...its stuck!

so, aidan had a melt down tonight. i am sitting here, trying not to cry from laughter. i know that it's not nice to laugh at his expense...especially when he was soo distraught...but it really is funny! let me start at the begining.
i had been on the phone for quite awhile with my best girls in ontario...when aidans tears were no longer able to be ignored. i hung up and determined it was time for him to get to bed. i was off in my own world while he was crying...and complaining about something... i was still thinking of my convo with the girls...when i realized aidan was telling me he had to go make peepee 'again'. so off he went...and then the wailing...the histerics..the oscar winning performance began. he was soo upset i couldnt make out a word he was saying...desperately i called my mom...hoping she would talk to him and calm him down..but he stood infront of the toilet penis-in-hand, crying, sobbing! after some coaxing he finally makes out to me that his pee is 'break' and he has 'no peepee'. stuffing my giggle i tell him that its ok...and that he can try again later...but this wasnt good enough...he wants a 'new penish' but the problem was...no matter how hard he pulled...his penis was 'stuck'. thats what the tears were about. he wanted a new penis..and he wanted mommy to 'buy' him one. i dont even know how we got over this one...but its over...hopefully he'll forget this by the morning...crazy kid!

today was a tough day...it usually is when yves heads outta town. he left before we were even awake, and so aidan felt ripped off for his kiss good-bye. if i'm honest, i felt ripped off too. the morning was a challenge. aidan had a couple friends over..and as always he had issues with sharing, whining and not having the spot light. like all moms do, i want him to grow up to be a good man, much like his father. mostly i want him to make it to adulthood without me messing him up. . and from the looks of things... its gonna be tough.
over coffee and playdoh today, us moms were discussing spanking... and while i am not changing my opinion on spanking...i am realizing how lately its just become too much. SPANKING seems to be the magic word around here..'do you want a spanking?" is the threat i spew at him about 30 X a day. i hate it. i hate that i am always sounding like a nag...and i know i sound like one because aidan has taken to becoming a mirror for which i can see my many flaws in. yesturday after recieving a spanking he bravely scolded me saying "that mean mommy" and then today i could hear him mocking me whilst he played saying "no dont do that a-gain' over and over. then...the icing on the cake, tonight he looks at me shaking his head and says 'aidans not nice boy-no'. i was shocked. i quickly recovered enough to say the appropriate 'no honey, aidan is a nice boy...sometimes you DO 'not nice' things..but aidan is a very NICE boy."
how is it that when i look at all you wonderful moms out there you seem to have an abundance of patience...a loving almost singsong voice with your kids. you are all such amazing moms...and i just feel so inadequate when im really honest...
in the last few weeks aidan has taken to biting his nails...and my biggest fear is that he's doing this as a nervous habit, because im a monster. which is how i must look to him..or thats how i feel anyway.
i know that you are all thinking...'oh, dont worry jenna your a great mom' or 'its just a bad day...tomorrow will be bette' but truth is...i could be better..ya..i know we all could but i guess i'm just realizing just how much i need to change...and after sitting here wondering why my son is so mean to other kids...im left wondering if its my doing...if he's hearing more negative messages in a day..."dont do that, dont touch this, what did i say? why won't you listen? DO YOU WANT A SPANKING?" trouble is...this is all such a pattern..his behaviour...mine...we are a mess...and i take 100% blame...i want to change it all..its just that i dont know where to begin...

is it just me

or do you see it too?

their extra l o n g stares

and comments on his hair...

his full lips, and caramel skin

the questions are bound to come

is he yours?

is he adopted?

how'd you manage that?

maybe i'm over reacting but

seriously people ...what year is it?

get your head outta the sand

why is this even a discussion?

here we go

well, i have been contemplating a blog for awhile...wondering if anything i have to say is really blog worthy...but whatever...bloggin is the new black..so here i go...join me as i ramble..if you get bored...GO AWAY!